Providence

Every early morning starts out the same for me. It's in these still and quiet times I'm overwhelmed at the joy that been given to me in this job of mama . I wouldn't trade these tender early mornings with this oh-so-sweet little one. He feels so good in my arms. I am not trying to hold onto these moments as if they are all that I have. I know that this will grow into so much more. It's just that it's hard to imagine things getting better. Thank God, He's the author and I'm not. I never would have written my story in this way. I didn't grow up as a girl thinking of myself as a little mama, providing for the pretend needs of dolls. No, instead I was running in the wake of 3 big brothers, trying to be a bandit on a bike or a professional baseball player in the lawn. I remember specifically thinking that marriage and family was something that wasn't for me. I didn't have a clue what I was getting into when I met the cutest guy on campus in college with a fire and passion for the Lord Jesus. It's a curious thing to think we are in control of our lives, of our futures, our jobs, kids, whatever. Looking back into my past and how I've come from point A to point B is proof that I'm not in control. I didn't chose this. Again, I didn't write this story. I feel so small in light of it, the hand of the Creator giving me a story. One of beauty and joy. One that speaks of something better and more beautiful than plans and ideas. When I think about it, the idea of being "out of control" is scary to me. It shouldn't be. We aren't in control, even when we think we are. I don't know anyone that says, looking back, that things happened to them exactly as they pictured. I guess this Americanism that says "your way, right away" has got us living in false ideals.
I'm just glad I'll never have to look back and say "those were the best days of my life" or "those were the glory days. If only I could get back there." I don't think this is what a good God wants us living like. I don't believe he gives us a snippet of good and says "That's all the good you get; your nugget of glory is gone. " I want to live here and now, and I want to be optimistic about the future. I desire this because I'm happy to give up the idea of control, to place it in the hands of the One who truly is the author and finisher. To the One that is good and kind and leads us in the way of life and joy and peace. This doesn't mean that there won't be difficult times or death or sin. I don't know what is around the bend, but somebody does, and He is good, and I am His child. Our family is right in the middle of this very personal drama that is our lives. Today I'm putting my faith in the Triune God, the author of the story of creation and life. I have a feeling we're in for a ride.