no easy way of putting it...

Because I posted that we were expecting our second child, instead of leaving any readers wondering about that journey, here's an update from my journal:

My heart was broken when I saw the picture of my baby that wasn’t growing, whose heart was no longer beating. I sank low, deep into the pit of grief and loss. The tears came. But the tears were not all my own. There’s something healing about two broken hearts grasping each other and not letting go. What an extension of God’s hand, KC was to me, and I pray I served the same for him.

What an experience, like none I’ve known. A pain I’ve never felt, a foreign feeling of loss and grief – deep in my head and deep in my bones. But through these tears, emerged a thankfulness and newness for the life that’s been given to me, the beautiful life surrounding me now. My strong, supportive, loving husband – my precious little boy so full of life and joy: how do I deserve even this? How, God, have you allowed me to experience even these two amazing gifts as my own blood?

My heart beats with thankfulness – and while the pain of our loss is not gone, the healing that has deepened in our souls has changed me into someone whose eyes have been opened to see such blessing, that I have no right to own, here in my home, here in my arms. And to think that when we get to see our Savior, we’ll embrace this beloved child that once we lost.